A rejected submission to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Smash Mouth singer Steve Harwell’s graduation speech to the Class of 2020

University President, Board of Trustees, faculty and staff, fellow recipients of honorary degrees, family and friends, and — most importantly — the Class of 2020, thank you for allowing me to be a part of this special day.

When I was your age, somebody once told me the world is going to roll me because I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. She looked silly with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an “L” on her forehead, but her message became an important life lesson for me that I now wish to impart to you. Life will happen to you unless you get your game on, get the show on, and—like a shooting star—break the mold of other’s expectations of you.

Follow this advice because life flies by. The years start coming and they don’t stop coming. Society feeds you rules and asks you to conform, but hit the ground running being yourself because it’s senseless not to live for fun. Rule-following may make your intellect smarter, but it makes your common sense dumber.

Follow this advice because life offers you many things: so much to do and so much to see. Don’t rush to do and see it all because there’s nothing wrong with taking the scenic detours, the back…