A rejected submission to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Did you know the Michelin Guide has ratings lower than one star?

Most people are familiar with the top three ratings of the Michelin Guide: three stars, the highest honor, indicate “exceptional cuisine that is worth a special journey;” two stars signify “excellent cooking that is worth a detour;” and one star denotes “a very good restaurant in its category.”

But few know the Michelin Guide also includes the following ratings below one star.

0 stars
Solidly mediocre in its category.

-1 star
If you’ve got nothing else going on restaurant-wise, then take a chance on this questionable cuisine. Better sorry than hungry.

-2 stars
This place is worth a resigned visit if every other restaurant in a 5-mile radius has burned down.

-3 stars
The food critic we sent to this restaurant—if you can call it that—contracted a rare gastrointestinal illness eating here and we’ve invoiced her hospital bills to the owners of this “restaurant”.

-4 stars
You gotta die somehow and the ambiance here is actually quite lovely.